Groaning from the Ambition Gene

Sometimes I wish someone would just shut off the damn amibition gene in my DNA. Since that probably isn’t possible, could I just have a lobotomy? In the style of Julie & Julia, I’ve decided to blog about my journey to writing The Great American Novel. What the hell? I’ve never been one to jump on a bandwagon or take to a trend. This must be the one I’ve been waiting for. So, yeah, I’m gonna blog about it…. write the pain, sorrow, stupidity, blah blah blah…. actually for those who have been privy to my serialized accounts of my life in Italy, this will be round two and for those that have never read them, well hold on….. you’re in for a bit of romantic fodder. It’s not just the story of two people falling in love…. it’s my journey through the ups and downs of living in a foreign county… dealing with a foreign man…. raising a toddler alone and as an ex-pat…. but also a journey to understand myself better.

Something feels very different about this goal…. like this is the one that REALLY matters… .the one that’s the culmination of years of knowledge….. the one that will count almost as much as the goal that took me Across the Pond.

Let’s hope, huh?

gloria

Something’s Gotta Give….

I called my “real” closest girlfriend today. She lives an ocean away in Italy. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed her. I miss my life there too. My daughter and I talk about going back more and more these days. As we see America change and become less friendly even to Americans, we long for the simpler life we had in Italy. We didn’t have much, no one there really does. Even the richest Italians, don’t live like the richest Americans. They may live in palatial villas, but compare their homes to Bill Gates’ and you’ll find it’s not as technologically advanced (of course), or even well-heated with updated plumbing. Grocery stores aren’t as well-stocked. People wear clothes they’ve worn for years. The young people scour the open air markets for decent jeans (okay, so those are better here), fabulous shoes (those are everywhere) and one of a kind fashions. STUFF is cheaper here. I can go to the dollar store and buy all my household cleaning products for under $10! I’d need about $50 in Italy. Food is more expensive; cars are cheaper, but I can expect to pay a few hundred dollars to take the license test. Getting around is a much bigger challenge… fewer roads, rail and bus strikes, and childcare if you don’t have a relative there???…. forget it. It’s damn near impossible to get a babysitter and then they earn as much as I did as an English teacher.

If I went back now, at least I’d be an American-educated Registered Nurse. I know that the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center has a hospital in Palermo, but I can’t see myself living in Sicily…. too many public works left undone that would drive me up the wall.

I miss the slower pace in Europe; the greater reverence for living and no one being able to keep up with the Joneses. I appreciate how easy it is to live in America compared to there; I really do! But there is just something about there as opposed to here. I also appreciate that we have a better education system, although that can depend a great deal on where you live in America. When I first moved there, it took me about four months to really adjust to their way of living. You learn to do without a lot of stuff. After awhile, however, you don’t miss it as much…. and after an even longer time, you can’t imagine why you ever wanted or needed anything except what you have. It’s a simpler life. A more reverent life. You learn to do without air conditioning or screens on your windows for that matter — you don’t need them. You drink homemade wine, eat the freshest tomatoes and learn the difference between a good olive oil and a bad one. And I swear the sun there doesn’t scorch your skin like it does here, even though the heat comes up from Africa! I NEVER burned there and never wore sunscreen, figure that one out.

I think what I miss more than anything is the history and walking by building after building that has stood for thousands of years. We don’t even have anything 500 years old here.

I remember sending pictures back to the States of my visit to the Roman Forum. My dear young nephew exclaimed, “Yuck, why would she want to live there? It’s so run down!” Well, I’d move back tomorrow if I didn’t have to pack and start all over again. My daughter would be at a disadvantage for forgetting her Italian, but she could be tutored or better yet, enrolled at the International school in Rome.

I have more “stuff”…. or should I say more “convenient stuff” here. I indulge in my favorite pastimes — garage sailing in the summer and sipping expensive coffees on the patio of Starbucks and traveling freely between the States. You would think the lure of the easy would quiet my wanderlust and quench any desire to live in a country where you have to buy extra milk on Fridays because you may not find an open store until Monday afternoon!

With all the conveniences available to me in a country where I am a natural born citizen, I have to ask myself, are the conveniences merely a temptation which prevent me from living the life that wants to live in me?

Getting out of my own way.

Sometimes we need to get out of our own way.  We stop ourselves based on the person we “think” we are, or because we have developed a pattern… a certain way of being all these years.  If we venture away from that path, we sometimes risk ridicule, anger and mistrust from our friends and family members.  We may start to hear things such as “What’s wrong with you?” or “What happened to you that you’re so different?” and my all-time favorite “You’ve changed.”

While the latter signals to me that personal growth has taken place, it may cause others to have to recategorize us in their life and that can feel a little uncomfortable to them.  They thought they had us NAILED and filed away in a box.  That truly is where most people would choose to keep us because that is the “us” they can handle.  Unfortunately, if we are thinking/feeling human beings, we are going to evolve at some point.  Our loved ones, be they family, friend or co-worker may feel a little ‘left out,’ or worse yet they may feel as though we’ve no place in our lives any longer, for them.

This simplest way to avoid ill-feelings with others, is simply to talk to them.  You needn’t share every detail about why you are changing, just letting them know that you, yourself, acknowledged that you’ve been acting a bit differently, can be enough to give them some much needed reassurance.  Let them know their whole world hasn’t gone topsy turvy simply because you will not be hanging out with them as much as you used to, for example.

After we settle the people down in our life a bit, we need to concentrate on ourselves.  We want to make changes, but we may get stopped by fear of the unknown and fear of the consequences of our actions.  This is when we need to recognize that fear is not a tangible roadblock to our success.  (My most frequent roadblock is time!) Fear could be seen as a big slab of concrete standing on end (think Stonehenge) and we simply need to pick it up and move it to the side and keep going.  It’s really a very simple visualization exercise that works quite well to overcoming the fear monster.

From this point on, you need confidence.  Confidence to plow through to the new experience and claim the “gold” at the end.  The end reward will be less remarkable than the journey you’ve just undergone to get to it, but nonetheless valuable as you’ve learned you really can overcome your fears and never allow it to stand in your way again.

gloria